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  • Writer's pictureHayley

The struggle is real...

It’s Monday today and we definitely need some Monday motivation..... 11 weeks into this new health journey and I have hit the wall... No amount of coffee has been helping, in fact too much coffee has been causing injury to myself at the gym.....I walked into a moving cross trainer “ouch🙈🤕”.... Of course I styled it out and jumped on to the next one and continued to use it for the next 20 mins until the pain became unbearable (sob, sob). On another occasion I flew off the end of the treadmill.... I was pounding so hard I just had to stop forgetting that the running belt still moves...... How I still managed to land up right and do a balancing act amazes me.... But again a quick look round, I had got away with it no one had noticed. My mother always said I was clumsy, after 30 years I am starting to believe her, either that or I am just a danger to myself, Becca (gym buddy) I bet your gutted you missed these sessions...

This journey has just got harder and harder. I really have been finding it hard these three weeks since my last blog, I just cant do it.... I seem to have lost all the motivation. Im not too sure if thats down to the cold I had, the constant pain from the amount of nerve damage that was caused, or just down to my insecurities about my body i’m not sure..... Those of you that know about my surgery know what my struggle has been like over the past year. Mentally and physically. I lost 6 lbs in the first week I was in hospital due to being so high on meds that I couldn't eat... I think I lost mostly muscle. When I left the hospital for the second time (“complications” read my previous blog “The day I had an angel watching over me") I really started to notice that my muscle tone in my legs was dramatically reduced. It was sad. I was so used to being pretty fit and toned that a few weeks of laying in a hospital bed really takes a toll on your body. After hospital a sudden weight gain of two and a half stone due to meds and no exercise in the months that followed paired with the lack of muscle, I obviously became insecure about my body. I will never ever let myself get to that stage again.

It's taking me 6 months of regular exercise and 11 weeks of everyday workouts to try and build that up again and I am still no where near where I was pre op. I only uncovered this insecurity due to this hot weather, as we started to flash the flesh. Iv obviously not been wanting to wear shorts... the first time I bared my legs I was going to a festival with friends and it took me 2 hours to pluck up the courage to leave the house in shorts. Shorts are just really short these days or maybe i'm just getting older.

Im starting to spend longer and longer hanging out in the gym, those awkward first smiles are starting to turning into conversations, if someone can see me doing something wrong they will ask if I want advice and il more than happily watch as they show me how it's really done. I see a few of the same people in the gym day to day if I manage to get my time slot. I am a creature of habit and sticking to the same times really helps with my OCD.... I tend to arrive between 10-11 just depends on my clients for the day, but thats my favourite time to go... theres a little bit of eye candy at that time so that always helps with the motivation. Eventually il be able to change my “ nick names” into "real names" but for now its quite fun having code names for people... Trying to imagine who they really are. It's the best place for people spotting and creating an imagination. And believe me there certainly are some sights that cannot be unseen.🙈 Im making friends that are interested in being healthy and working out.

Now down the the measurement part. I actually gained slightly with the measurements for my waist and my thighs..... This could be down to “water retention” I keep telling myself I have, especially in this heat or it could be down to me using the weight machines and gaining muscle mass. Iv even started to have protein shakes after my workouts. My weight actually remained the same again, this could be due to muscle weighing more than fat. Or maybe iv just got the life balance right a little bit early than I'v wanted to that I'v worked out how to enjoy my life, and maintain my weight.

While I’m trying to get over my body insecurities, Im persuading myself that I am actually very happy with my body right now. I feel my slimmest even though the scales say no. I really wont mind if I don’t lose any more in weight but continue to change the way my body looks and pull it into shape, and keep losing on the measurements. It's not how I look on the outside.. Its all about how healthy I have made my body on the inside... the difference a year makes. I will continue to work on my health an if my body still improves then thats a bonus.💪🏽👊🏼

Theres only a few weeks now until I leave for California.... I can do this....


Hay x

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